This blog is intended to help me deal with the issues I am facing with IF(infertility). I release a lot of stress while writing. My hope is that others dealing with IF or trying to get pregnant will be able to read this as well and be able to relate or heck, make you feel better about yourself and your issues. Warning: This blog may contain strong language that may be not suitable for children and easily offended people. With that being said read at your own risk:) You've been warned!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Emotional Rollercoster

That is what IF feels like on a daily basis. There will be some people that will tell you "Relax and it will happen". I am waving my BS flag. No, it won't happen if I just relax. If you are reading this and someone you know is experiencing trouble getting pregnant, DO NOT SAY THAT LINE! The next thing that is very detrimental is "everything happens for a reason". Really? Care to explain the reasoning of me feeling barren? No? Didn't think so.
I have experienced so many emotions through this "trip". At the beginning there was hopefulness and excitement. That wore off very quickly after the first 5 months. There was confusion and disappointment which took the place of the aforementioned emotions. These lasted until the 9th month of trying. In my opinion the 9th month is the hardest, you realize that you really should have a baby right now. I had a horrible emotion during the 9th month and I am ashamed of it but I couldn't help myself. Jealousy. This is a dirty word and a heavy emotion. There was a colleague of mine who had a baby at that time. This person is one of my greatest friends and if she ever reads this I want you to know that I never felt any animosity towards you, G, and baby T. I was so happy for the T family, but it was a battle within myself, I couldn't fight off that horrible jealous feeling I had. I was so envious! I wanted that! I found myself having a total breakdown the night I visited them in the hospital. The breakdown was really good for me. I love seeing baby T and the jealousy has dissolved but only to be replaced with dread and fear of the unknown. Why is this happening to us? What did we do? When should we contact someone?
I am working on finding peace with my emotions, it is hard, but I also feel that it is totally normal to have different emotions during this craptastic time in your life.

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