This blog is intended to help me deal with the issues I am facing with IF(infertility). I release a lot of stress while writing. My hope is that others dealing with IF or trying to get pregnant will be able to read this as well and be able to relate or heck, make you feel better about yourself and your issues. Warning: This blog may contain strong language that may be not suitable for children and easily offended people. With that being said read at your own risk:) You've been warned!

Friday, July 30, 2010

Well Crap...

Well on Tuesday we finally got some results from our doctor. Looks like the Hubs has some sperm issues:) We are working with low count and borderline low motility. She told us that our best shot is IUI. No matter how much I researched this topic of IF, I still felt as if I was punched in the stomach and the air was knocked out of me. Hubs took it very well. He initial response was "Shit, sorry bout that!" Always the optimist he is! Now that we have had a couple days to accept this we have accepted the fate that has been handed to us. We will meet with the doctor on Tuesday and she wants to start next cycle already. How awesome would be if we got pg on our own ( pretty sure I am ovulating as we speak-lol)this month and not have to worry about this. We will be OOP (out of pocket) on any fertility treatments/monitoring/medications. But since luck has not been on our side for the last 13 months I am not going to get my hopes up. IF sucks!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Waiting Game

That's my life. A giant waiting game. I sometimes feel that I am in a perpetual waiting room just waiting to be called by a nurse. Hubs had a SA (semen analysis) on July 13th at 10:30. Today on July 26th we are STILL awaiting the results from the RE's office where he took the test. I mean, really?!?! These offices work constantly with couples trying to get pregnant and have been playing in the waiting game for some time. I consider myself a very patient person ( have to be when working with small children) but my patience is being eaten up by this whole process. I want to be done with the waiting game, I want some answers! Get your act together!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Kellie Coffey
My new favorite video!

Emotional Rollercoster

That is what IF feels like on a daily basis. There will be some people that will tell you "Relax and it will happen". I am waving my BS flag. No, it won't happen if I just relax. If you are reading this and someone you know is experiencing trouble getting pregnant, DO NOT SAY THAT LINE! The next thing that is very detrimental is "everything happens for a reason". Really? Care to explain the reasoning of me feeling barren? No? Didn't think so.
I have experienced so many emotions through this "trip". At the beginning there was hopefulness and excitement. That wore off very quickly after the first 5 months. There was confusion and disappointment which took the place of the aforementioned emotions. These lasted until the 9th month of trying. In my opinion the 9th month is the hardest, you realize that you really should have a baby right now. I had a horrible emotion during the 9th month and I am ashamed of it but I couldn't help myself. Jealousy. This is a dirty word and a heavy emotion. There was a colleague of mine who had a baby at that time. This person is one of my greatest friends and if she ever reads this I want you to know that I never felt any animosity towards you, G, and baby T. I was so happy for the T family, but it was a battle within myself, I couldn't fight off that horrible jealous feeling I had. I was so envious! I wanted that! I found myself having a total breakdown the night I visited them in the hospital. The breakdown was really good for me. I love seeing baby T and the jealousy has dissolved but only to be replaced with dread and fear of the unknown. Why is this happening to us? What did we do? When should we contact someone?
I am working on finding peace with my emotions, it is hard, but I also feel that it is totally normal to have different emotions during this craptastic time in your life.

Monday, July 19, 2010

An intro of sorts

I have never blogged before. I have never held the interest of it andplus what would I blog about? We are very normal and boring people. But recently the hubs and myself have found ourselves struggling with something we never saw coming 13 months ago. Infertility. Infertility is defined as " the inability to achieve pregnancy through timed unprotected intercourse within one year". I don't feel infertility is an appropriate word to describe this, I would call it Hell. Living Hell would be more suitable.
We started the quest for a baby Mack all the way back in March of 2009 ( you can read about this on the right hand side of the page, I will not bore you with all the mundane details again.) But my want for a child started some 23 years ago. I loved dolls. I had more dolls that a girl EVER needed but my family kept supplying dolls to me through the years. I had every accessory for my dolls: a crib, a cradle, a REAL Graco doll stroller, diaper bag,etc. I would beg my mother to buy me the real doll diapers on our monthly trip to Wal-mart. I loved being a mother to my dolls. I also loved kittens. I would dress up the baby kitties and bottle feed them. I once tried to put them in the Graco Stroller and that was the death of the Graco stroller, it never looked the same again. But the one toy that really started my baby fever was my Baby Alive. I don't even remember her name. This is the doll with creepy big eyes and actually poops and pees everything you would put in its mouth which was motorized and would move when you touched it. I loved this doll! I feed and "watered" it all the time so I could change her diaper. After the first month, my mother said no more diapers! They were too expensive, so she gave me all the cloth diapers she used for my younger brother. I would rinse them in the bathroom sink and hang them out to dry. I loved the feeling of taking care of the doll. There was even an instance where I "pretended" to breastfeed the doll. This is where I believe where my perpetual BOTB began.
Before hubs and I were married, we agreed that we wouldn't have children right away, we would wait a couple of years before we started. Which we did, we waited 2 years and now I regret that decision we made. I wish we would have started right away, we may still have had the problems that we are facing right now, but we may already have figured out the issue and possibly have a spawn at this time. But I have made a resolution not to let the decisions that we made in the past cause regrets now. We can only go forward which is what we are going to do. We are just starting the IF testing journey. Hopefully we will get some answers soon. Okay, I am tired of writing and I am sure you are tired of reading my extremely long intro. I look forward to documenting my journey for myself and for my one follower (shout out to my bestie)at the time.